Only in the rarest cases is a person prepared in advance for the death of a loved one. Much more often, grief overtakes us unexpectedly. What to do? How to react? Mikhail Khasminsky, director, tells Orthodox Center crisis psychology at the Church of the Resurrection of Christ on Semenovskaya (Moscow).
What do we go through when experiencing grief?
When a loved one dies, we feel that the connection with him is broken - and this gives us extreme pain. It’s not the head that hurts, it’s not the arm that hurts, it’s not the liver that hurts, it’s the soul that hurts. And it is impossible to do anything to make this pain stop once and for all.
Often a grieving person comes to me for a consultation and says: “Two weeks have already passed, but I just can’t come to my senses.” But is it possible to come to your senses in two weeks? After all, after a major operation we don’t say: “Doctor, I’ve been lying there for ten minutes, and nothing has healed yet.” We understand: three days will pass, the doctor will take a look, then remove the stitches, the wound will begin to heal; but complications may arise, and some stages will have to be completed again. All this may take several months. And here we are not talking about physical trauma - but about mental trauma; in order to heal it, it usually takes about a year or two. And in this process there are several successive stages, which are impossible to jump over.
What are these stages? The first is shock and denial, then anger and resentment, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance (although it is important to understand that any designation of stages is conditional, and that these stages do not have clear boundaries). Some go through them harmoniously and without delay. Most often, these are people of strong faith who have clear answers to the questions of what death is and what will happen after it. Faith helps you go through these stages correctly, experience them one after another - and ultimately enter the stage of acceptance.
But when there is no faith, the death of a loved one can become an unhealed wound. For example, a person can deny a loss for six months, saying: “No, I don’t believe it, this couldn’t happen.” Or “get stuck” in anger, which can be directed at doctors who “didn’t save”, at relatives, at God. Anger can also be directed at oneself and produce a feeling of guilt: I didn’t love him, I didn’t say enough, I didn’t stop him in time - I’m a scoundrel, I’m guilty of his death. Many people suffer from this feeling for a long time.
However, as a rule, a few questions are enough for a person to deal with his feelings of guilt. “Did you really want this man to die?” - “No, I didn’t want to.” - “What then are you guilty of?” - “I sent him to the store, and if he had not gone there, he would not have been hit by a car.” - “Okay, but if an angel appeared to you and said: if you send him to the store, this person will die, how would you behave then?” - “Of course, I wouldn’t send him anywhere then.” - “What is your fault? Is it that you didn't know the future? Is it that an angel did not appear to you? But what does this have to do with you?
For some people, a strong feeling of guilt may arise simply because the passage of the mentioned stages is delayed for them. Friends and colleagues do not understand why he has been gloomy and taciturn for so long. This makes him feel uncomfortable, but he can’t help himself.
For some, on the contrary, these stages can literally “fly by”, but after a while the trauma that they have not lived through emerges, and then, perhaps, even experiencing the death of a pet will be difficult for such a person.
No grief is complete without pain. But it’s one thing when you believe in God, and quite another when you don’t believe in anything: here one trauma can be superimposed on another - and so on ad infinitum.
Therefore, my advice to people who prefer to live for today and put off the main life issues for tomorrow: do not wait for them to fall on you out of the blue. Deal with them (and yourself) here and now, look for God - this search will help you at the time of parting with a loved one.
And one more thing: if you feel that you cannot cope with the loss on your own, if there has been no dynamics in experiencing grief for a year and a half or two, if there is a feeling of guilt, or chronic depression, or aggression, be sure to consult a specialist - a psychologist, a psychotherapist.
Not thinking about death is the path to neurosis
Recently I analyzed how many paintings by famous artists are devoted to the theme of death. Previously, artists took on the depiction of grief and sorrow precisely because death was inscribed in the cultural context. IN modern culture there is no place for death. They don’t talk about it because “it’s traumatic.” In reality, it is just the opposite that is traumatic: the absence of this topic in our field of vision.
If in a conversation a person mentions that someone has died, then they answer him: “Oh, sorry. You probably don’t want to talk about it.” Or maybe it’s just the opposite that you want! I want to remember the deceased, I want sympathy! But at this moment they distance themselves from him, try to change the subject, fearing to upset him or offend him. A young woman’s husband died, and her relatives say: “Well, don’t worry, you’re beautiful, you’ll get married.” Or they run away like the plague. Why? Because they themselves are afraid to think about death. Because they don't know what to say. Because there are no condolences skills.
That's what main problem: modern man is afraid to think and talk about death. He does not have this experience, it was not passed on to him by his parents, and even more so by their parents and grandmothers, who lived during the years of state atheism. That’s why today many people cannot cope with the experience of loss on their own and need professional help. For example, it happens that a person sits right on his mother’s grave or even spends the night there. What causes this frustration? From not understanding what happened and what to do next. And on top of this all sorts of superstitions are layered, and acute, sometimes suicidal problems arise. In addition, there are often children around who are experiencing grief, and adults with their inappropriate behavior can cause them irreparable mental trauma.
But condolences are a “shared illness.” Why suffer from someone else’s pain if your goal is to make you feel good here and now? Why think about own death, isn’t it better to drive away these thoughts with worries, buy yourself something, eat deliciously, drink well? The fear of what will happen after death and the reluctance to think about it turns on a very childish defensive reaction in us: everyone will die, but I won’t.
Meanwhile, birth, life, and death are links in one chain. And it’s stupid to ignore it. If only because this is a direct path to neurosis. After all, when we are faced with the death of a loved one, we cannot cope with this loss. Only by changing your attitude towards life can you correct a lot inside. Then it will be much easier to survive the grief.
Erase superstitions from your mind
I know that Thomas receives hundreds of questions about superstitions. “We wiped the monument in the cemetery with children’s clothes, what will happen now?” “Can I pick up something if I dropped it in a cemetery?” “I dropped a handkerchief into the coffin, what should I do?” “A ring fell at a funeral, what is this sign for?” “Is it possible to hang photos of deceased parents on the wall?”
The hanging of mirrors begins - after all, this is supposedly a gateway to another world. Someone is convinced that a son cannot carry his mother’s coffin, otherwise the deceased will feel bad. What an absurdity, who else but to my own son carry this coffin?! Of course, the system of the world, where a glove accidentally dropped in a cemetery represents a certain sign, has nothing to do with Orthodoxy or faith in Christ.
I think this is also due to a reluctance to look inside oneself and answer really important existential questions.
Not all people in the temple are experts on matters of life and death
For many, the loss of a loved one becomes the first step on the path to God. What to do? Where to run? For many, the answer is obvious: to the temple. But it is important to remember that even in a state of shock, you must be aware of why exactly and to whom (or Whom) you came there. First of all, of course, to God. But for a person who comes to the temple for the first time, who perhaps does not know where to start, it is especially important to meet a guide there who will help him understand many of the issues that haunt him.
This guide, of course, should be a priest. But he doesn’t always have time; he often has his whole day scheduled literally minute by minute: services, travel and much more. And some priests entrust communication with newcomers to volunteers, catechists, and psychologists. Sometimes these functions are partially performed even by candle makers. But we must understand that in church you can stumble upon the most different people.
It’s as if a person came to the clinic, and the cloakroom attendant said to him: “What’s wrong with you?” - “Yes, back.” - “Well, let me tell you how to treat yourself. And I’ll give you literature to read.”
It's the same in the temple. And it is very sad when a person who is already wounded by the loss of his loved one receives additional trauma there. After all, to be honest, not every priest will be able to properly build communication with a person in grief - he is not a psychologist. And not every psychologist can cope with this task; they, like doctors, have a specialization. For example, under no circumstances will I undertake to give advice in the field of psychiatry or work with alcohol addicts.
What can we say about those who give out incomprehensible advice and breed superstitions! Often these are people close to the church who do not go to church, but come in: light candles, write notes, bless Easter cakes - and everyone they know turns to them as experts who know everything about life and death.
But you need to speak a special language with people experiencing grief. Communication with grieving, traumatized people must be learned, and this matter must be approached seriously and responsibly. In my opinion, this should be a whole serious area in the Church, no less important than helping the homeless, prison or any other social ministry.
What you should never do is draw any cause-and-effect relationships. No: “God took the child because of your sins”! How do you know what only God knows? With such words a grieving person can be very, very traumatized.
And under no circumstances should you extrapolate your personal experience experiencing death on other people is also a big mistake.
So, if you come to the temple, faced with a serious shock, be very careful in choosing the people to whom you turn with difficult questions. And you shouldn’t think that everyone in the church owes you something - people often come to me for consultations, offended by the lack of attention to them in the church, but who have forgotten that they are not the center of the universe and those around them are not obliged to fulfill all their desires.
But church employees and parishioners, if they are asked for help, should not pretend to be an expert. If you want to truly help a person, quietly take his hand, pour him some hot tea and just listen to him. What he needs from you is not words, but complicity, empathy, condolences - something that will help him cope with his tragedy step by step.
If a mentor dies...
People often get lost when they lose a person who was a teacher or mentor in their life. For some it is a mother or grandmother, for others it is a completely outsider, without whose wise advice and active help it is difficult to imagine their life.
When such a person dies, many find themselves at a dead end: how to live on? At the stage of shock, such a question is quite natural. But if his decision drags on for several years, it seems to me simply selfish: “I needed this person, he helped me, now he died, and I don’t know how to live.”
Or maybe now you need to help this person? Maybe now your soul should work in prayer for the deceased, and your life should become embodied gratitude for his upbringing and wise advice?
If an adult has lost an important person who gave him his warmth, his participation, then it is worth remembering this and understanding that now you, like a charged battery, can distribute this warmth to others. After all, the more you give away, the more creation you bring into this world, the greater the merit of that deceased person.
If they shared wisdom and warmth with you, why cry that now there is no one else to do it? Start sharing yourself - and you will receive this warmth from other people. And don’t constantly think about yourself, because selfishness is the biggest enemy of the grief-stricken person.
If the deceased was an atheist
In fact, everyone believes in something. And if you believe in eternal life, then you understand that the person who declared himself an atheist is now, after death, the same as you. Unfortunately, he realized this too late, and your task now is to help him with your prayer.
If you were close to him, then to some extent you are a continuation of this person. And now a lot depends on you.
Children and grief
This is a separate, very large and important topic; my article “Age-related characteristics of the experience of grief” is devoted to it. Until the age of three, a child does not understand what death is at all. And only at the age of ten the perception of death begins to form, like that of an adult. This must be taken into account. By the way, Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh spoke a lot about this (personally, I believe that he was a great crisis psychologist and counselor).
Many parents are concerned about the question: should children attend a funeral? You look at Konstantin Makovsky’s painting “The Funeral of a Child” and think: how many children! Lord, why are they standing there, why are they looking at this? Why shouldn’t they stand there if adults explained to them that there is no need to be afraid of death, that it is part of life? Previously, children were not shouted: “Oh, go away, don’t look!” After all, the child feels: if he is removed like this, it means something terrible is happening. And then even the death of a pet turtle can turn into a mental illness for him.
And in those days there was nowhere to hide children: if someone died in the village, everyone went to say goodbye to him. This is natural when children attend a funeral service, mourn, learn to react to death, learn to do something constructive for the sake of the deceased: they pray, help at the wake. And parents often themselves traumatize the child by trying to shelter him from negative emotions. Some begin to deceive: “Dad went on a business trip,” and over time the child begins to take offense - first at dad for not returning, and then at mom, because he feels that she is not telling her something. And when the truth is revealed later... I have seen families where the child simply cannot communicate with his mother because of such deception.
One story struck me: a girl’s dad died, and her teacher is a good teacher, Orthodox man- She told the children not to come near her, because she was already feeling bad. But this means traumatizing the child again! It's scary when even people with teacher education, believers do not understand child psychology.
Children are no worse than adults, their inner world is no less deep. Of course, in conversations with them, one must take into account the age-related aspects of the perception of death, but there is no need to hide them from sorrows, from difficulties, from trials. They need to be prepared for life. Otherwise, they will become adults and never learn to cope with losses.
What does it mean to “experience grief”
To fully experience grief means turning black grief into a bright memory. After the operation, a suture remains. But if it is done well and carefully, it no longer hurts, does not interfere, does not pull. So it is here: the scar will remain, we will never be able to forget about the loss - but we will no longer experience it with pain, but with a feeling of gratitude to God and to the deceased person for being in our lives, and with the hope of meeting in the life of the next century.
“The rescue of drowning people is the work of the drowning people themselves”
(From the novel by I. Ilf and E. Petrov “The Twelve Chairs”)
A loved one died. The funeral and wake passed... And now the relatives and friends who supported and helped all this time are gradually returning to normal life, to their business. Their attention and care towards you is becoming less and less...
What about you? You still bear the weight of the loss, grieve, and do not understand how they can continue to live when such a misfortune has happened. You miss a loved one who has left you, and it seems that this terrible grief will never end, and the lack of attention and care aggravates your worries.
If you have already started asking yourself these questions, then you understand that you need to change something in your attitude towards life with loss, that it is necessary to adapt to a new social and emotional situation of life loss.
And now the epigraph to this article becomes relevant for you. In this context, this phrase does not mean that you should “pull yourself out of the water” - forget the deceased, pretend that nothing happened. On the contrary, you must “learn to swim” and be able to take “water precautions”, i.e. do everything to live through your grief situation with the least physical and emotional disturbances.
There are no universal recipes for this; everyone has their own unique grief and their own unique situation in the family and in society.
Nevertheless, I will try to give some advice that, I hope, will help at some moments of this difficult period of life.
Try to realize in what aspects of life you have become most vulnerable– Is it a domestic sphere, emotional, perhaps professional? Once you understand where the “biggest hole is,” it will be easier to repair it. And how small child gradually learns to walk, try to gradually learn on your own to receive what you previously received with the help of the deceased.
These can be purely everyday skills. For example, a woman who lost her husband, who did everything around the house, can learn to do something herself, or she can find a household service that will help maintain comfort at home at the usual level. A man who has lost his wife can study the instructions to household appliances (washing machine, modern smart stove, microwave oven) and ensure the same standard of living. Someone will have to learn how to cook food. For some, learning to make decisions. This is especially difficult if the deceased previously decided almost everything for you. Remember that you should not strive to make a decision instantly. Do not hesitate to consult with people authoritative in this matter; you may need the help of a specialist in a particular area. In the first time after the death of a loved one, try to generally postpone the solution of global issues (buying/selling real estate, moving, etc.) for some time.
It’s more difficult with emotional gaps. The emotional sphere is the first thing that needs regulation.
Don’t listen to those who advise to “strengthen, hold on, take courage...”. Don't save up your tears. If you want to cry, cry, if you feel sad, be sad. And don’t feel guilty about it in front of your surroundings. Tears are a normal physiological reaction to pain, in this case mental pain. Tears are an emotional release. After crying, a person may feel exhausted, overwhelmed and empty, but he feels better. Remember that you have the right to express your feelings. And you don’t need to make excuses to others. Only to small children should you explain that your emotions are caused not by their behavior, but by grief for the deceased. Adults, as a rule, understand this anyway. If you hold back your tears, your child may try to copy your behavior without understanding its reasons, and will subsequently hold back any of his emotions. Just like yourself, allow the child to cry for the deceased if he wants to. Comfort him, talk to him, help him live through these emotions.
Think about who you can talk to about the person who left you.. If there is no such person in your environment, use modern opportunities for psychological support - website, helplines, psychological help services. The main thing is to talk. About loss, about loneliness, about feelings, about fears... Don’t be shy to seem like a weak person, grief turns everyone into little helpless children for a while. Talk about the deceased with God. Funeral prayer is your real help to the soul of the deceased.
But do not try to talk to the deceased, he is no longer physically nearby . Do not turn to the occult, do not listen to everyone who tries to tell you about superstitions, omens, and so on. If you are a believer, you already know what happened (see sections “There is life after death!” and “How the soul lives after death”). If you do not believe in God, then death for you is the end of your physical existence, then there is no point in performing superstitious rituals.
Helps many people soften intense emotions keeping a diary. Write about your thoughts, feelings, your pain of loss. Make it a rule to re-read what you have written after a while, and then try to analyze what has changed during this period of time? Which feelings have become more acute, which, on the contrary, have gone away? What have you learned? Such self-analysis will reveal to you your strengths and weaknesses. In the future, rely on what you are strong in, look for sources of support in those aspects where you are not confident in yourself.
Another way is write a letter to the deceased. Even if the death was not sudden, there is always a lot left unspoken and unspoken. Write. This is necessary for you, not for him. If you haven't said something important, you have the opportunity to say it now. Use it. Don’t be afraid to appear ridiculous because there is nowhere to send the letter; you can simply burn it. It is important that the letter will help you free yourself from the burden of misunderstandings that you carry by entrusting it to paper.
If you don’t like to write, but emotions and memories overwhelm you, try this method. Place it next to it two cans. Prepare a number of small multi-colored balls and small pieces of paper. When you remember good things about the deceased, place one ball in the jar. This will be your memory bank. If you remember some sad incident, an insult, a quarrel, write on a piece of paper what you remembered, literally one or two words, roll the piece of paper into a ball and put it in another jar. This will be a jar of your grievances. How long you will do this is up to you. When you realize that most of the warm and kind memories are already “lying” in the memory bank, close it and put it where you see fit. All the bright memories are now before your eyes. Look how many there are. When no new grievances are remembered, choose a day (perhaps it will be some date associated with the deceased) and burn paper balls - your grievances.
Deserves special consideration guilt before the deceased. A large section on the site is devoted to this topic. Since the volume of material is quite large, it is difficult to present it here, I suggest using the articles posted on the site. The main thing is not to allow yourself to cultivate a feeling of guilt, it is destructive.
Another strong feeling that can accompany loss is fear. At night or during the day, alone or in a crowd, fear comes unexpectedly and literally paralyzes you. What to do in such a situation?
It is important to understand that your fear is not the fear of an adult in a real dangerous situation, but rather a “childish” reaction to the unknown that surrounds you after the death of a loved one.
I suggest a small exercise to regain your “adult” state, stay “here and now”, in reality.
When you feel fear, first look around, if there is actually no immediate threat to your life and health, highlight 5 colors of objects that surround you. What color is the ceiling? Floor? Armchair? Curtains? Your clothes? (Look at any objects, but you should not just “recognize” the color by smearing it with your eyes, but identify it, perhaps name it out loud). If fear creeps up at night, do not imagine that the ceiling is white (this is not your feeling of “here and now”, this is knowledge), at night it looks gray, like all other things, so either turn on the light, or distinguish the intensity of shades of gray in those around you things.
Now the sounds. 5 sounds - a clock, a bird, a car outside the window, a TV.... anything, but there should also be 5 sounds. In the silence of the night, this could be the sound of your breathing, the beating of your heart, the rustling of a blanket, the wind in the leaves outside the window, the sound of water in the pipes... Listen carefully, each sound also needs to be distinguished and named.
Then listen to the sensation of your own body. Your hands - where are they, warm or cold, dry or wet with sweat? Legs are the same. Back of the head and neck area. Back. Abdomen and groin area. Feel all these parts of your body. Carefully, slowly. Then look around again.
For visually impaired and hearing impaired people, the distinction of color or sound can be replaced by tactile sensations of objects. Touch what is next to you. Identify 5 different sensations - the wool of the carpet, the cool wood of the furniture, the soft upholstery of the chair, paper wallpaper... Try to distinguish the subtle odors emitted by these objects.
Usually this exercise returns a sense of reality in case of irrational fears.
Be natural in grief. Don't let others force you into certain behavior patterns. At the same time, do not refuse the help of your loved ones if it helps you. Trust your family and listen to yourself at the same time.
Be patient. No one can say how long you will experience the pain of loss. Grief is like a surf - it will either recede, or rush in with renewed vigor. Holidays and family dates are especially hard to experience. For many years, the pain of loss can appear on the birthday of the deceased, on the anniversary of death, on New Year or Christmas. Don't hide from your feelings. Give free rein to your memories, order a memorial service in a church, pray at home, visit a cemetery. Even in a situation where one of the spouses has died and the other has a new family, do not be shy about it. The deceased is part of your life. A person who loves you must understand and respect your feelings. This is not treason, this is a tribute to memory.
Now a little about the physiological aspects of grief. Today everyone knows about the connection between the emotional and somatic (bodily) sides. Deep grief can cause illness in the body. Grief manifests itself in a person's appearance. The grieving person is muscularly tense, tense, and cannot relax.. Such tension can cause sleep disorders, which, in turn, leads to breathing problems, pressure surges, and heart disease. If you feel muscle tension, ask someone to give you a massage (usually the collar area is the first to suffer), or consult a massage therapist. Perhaps relaxing to the sounds of nature will help someone (you can download some of them in mp3 format here: - a small portion of food will help you support yourself. You only need a little, at least an apple, a glass of kefir or milk. Don’t go to the other extreme – “don’t eat up” grief. If the attacks of hunger are uncontrollable, try to understand - do you really want to eat, or do you just need consolation in the same way as in childhood: “Don’t cry, hold the candy”? If this is the case, is it due to the lack of emotional support? look for it from relatives, friends, or specialists, and not from excess weight.
The second vital need that must be satisfied is need for sleep. Take a cool shower before bed, don’t watch TV, and try to relax as much as possible in bed. If you cannot establish normal sleep on your own, consult a doctor for medication support. But remember that medications alleviate your condition, but do not eliminate the cause. Therefore, you seem to “freeze” yourself in a state of grief, prolonging the period of grief. And of course You shouldn’t seek solace in alcohol.
Another important aspect is the pace of your life. It is possible that during the period of grief you will not be able to perform all those functions that you could easily cope with before. It's OK. If there is an opportunity to shift them to someone else, do it. Allow yourself to reduce stress, remember that the stress you experience negatively affects all areas of your life. Get more rest. Evaluate which vacation is better for you - active or passive? Don't be afraid to show weakness and don't feel guilty about it; when you can, you will return to your normal rhythm of life. For now, just take care of yourself.
Time passes, and what seemed insurmountable yesterday is overcome. Emotions that did not allow you to breathe weaken and are replaced by others. The feeling of loss does not go away, you will always miss the deceased person, it’s just that the acute pain will be replaced by sadness and sad memories, and then these memories will become bright. This means you have gone through the most difficult period.
Experiencing grief does not mean forgetting. To survive means to learn to live fully after a loss.
How to cope with the bereavement of a loved one? And are there ways to forget about the grief that happened and return to normal life? Many people ask this question because they want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But you can’t do this without valuable recommendations from experienced psychologists.
It is unlikely that there will be a person on this planet who wants grief, troubles, and problems to be present in his life. But, alas, fate does not bypass anyone and it has everything - joy, sadness, fun, and grief.
A person who has not experienced a single dark day in his life is a real lucky person. Of course, there are types for whom troubles, problems and loss of loved ones are an empty phrase. But, fortunately, there are only an insignificant number of them among us. Most likely, they have, because otherwise their position is simply impossible to explain. Even the most terrible tyrants on the planet were afraid that something might happen to their loved ones. And if this happened, they suffered just like all ordinary people.
When experiencing a terrible moment, everyone behaves differently. Some suffer greatly and are ready to take their own lives. The other one bravely endures the vicissitudes of fate and tries to survive no matter what. The first ones urgently need psychological help. It’s not in vain that after plane crashes, ship crashes, major car accidents and other tragedies, experienced psychotherapists and psychologists come to the loved ones of the missing and the dead.
Simply, without them, a person does not know what to do with his grief. He is detached, only one thing sounds in his head: “How to live further?”, “This is the end of everything!” and other dramatic phrases. Experts in human psychology may not always be around. Therefore, we invite our readers to study how a person experiences suffering and how he can be helped.
Symptoms of human grief
When someone leaves us and goes to another world, we grieve and mourn the loss. There is a feeling that there is no point in living further, or without the presence of someone dear to us, something important and irreplaceable has gone. Some people suffer for a few days, others for weeks, others for months.
But there is a loss that one grieves for the rest of one’s life. And the well-known saying “Time heals!” not always appropriate. How can the wound from the loss of a child, a loved one, a brother, a sister heal? This is impossible! It seems to be tightening a little on top, but inside it continues to bleed.
But grief also has its own characteristics. It all depends on the type of character of a person, his psyche, the quality of relationships with those who left this world. After all, we have repeatedly noticed a strange phenomenon. A woman’s child dies, and she runs around the markets, buys food to arrange a funeral, goes to the cemetery, selects a place, etc. It feels like this moment is the same as others - when I had to organize an event. The only difference is that she is wearing a black scarf and is sad.
But you shouldn’t immediately accuse such women of being “thick-skinned.” Psychologists have a term “delayed, delayed grief.” That is, it does not overtake some people right away. To understand how human grief manifests itself, let’s study its symptoms:
- A sharp change in mental state - a person is absorbed in the image of the deceased. He moves away from others, feels unreal, and the speed of his emotional reaction increases. In short, this is an alienated, poorly thinking person who constantly thinks about the departed person.
- Physical problems. There is exhaustion of strength, it is difficult to get up, walk, breathe, the sufferer constantly sighs, he has no appetite.
- Feeling guilty. When a loved one leaves, the person suffering behind him constantly thinks about how he could have saved him, how he did not do everything he could, was inattentive to him, was rude, etc. He constantly analyzes his actions and seeks confirmation that there was an opportunity to bypass death.
- Hostility. When a loved one is lost, a person may become angry. He does not tolerate company, does not want to see anyone, and answers questions rudely and impudently. He can even attack children who pester him with questions. Of course, this is wrong, but you shouldn’t judge him either. Therefore, it is important that at such moments relatives are nearby and help cope with household chores and children.
- The usual way of behavior changes. If formerly man If he was calm and collected, then at the moment of difficulties he may begin to fuss, do everything wrong, disorganized, talk a lot or, on the contrary, constantly remain silent.
- Adopted manner. After the death of a long-sick person, his relatives, especially those who were at the deceased’s bedside, adopt his character traits, habits, movements, even symptoms.
- When you lose someone dear to your heart, everything changes. The colors of life, nature, and the world turn from bright and colorful to gray and black tones. The psychological atmosphere, the space in which there is no deceased, becomes small and insignificant. I don’t want to hear or see anyone. After all, no one around him understands what really happened for the sufferer. Everyone is trying to calm down, distract, and give advice. There is simply not enough strength to fight everything.
- Also, at the moment of suffering, psychological time space shrinks. It is impossible to think about what will happen in the future. In normal times, we draw pictures in our thoughts that we expect from the future. And in such difficult moments, they simply do not arise, and if thoughts about the past come, then the one who was lost always appears in them. As for the present time, the sufferer does not even think about it - it simply makes no sense. Rather, it’s a dark moment that you don’t even want to remember. The only thing a person desires in moments of grief is “I wish I could wake up sooner from this nightmare. It feels like I’m having a terrible dream.”
In cases where the loss of a spouse occurs, the man left alone goes into his own world and does not have the slightest desire to communicate with neighbors, acquaintances, or friends. In his heart, he believes that no one is able to understand the power of loss. Men are taught from childhood that they should be restrained and not show their emotions. Therefore, he rushes about and cannot find a place for himself. Most often, in such situations, the stronger sex plunges headlong into work, and so that there is no “trace” left of free time.
Women who have lost their husbands grieve and suffer. They literally have a wet pillow, because the one they loved, with whom they shared both joy and sadness, is no longer nearby. She is left without support - how to continue to live, who will be my support. And if this is also a family with children, then the woman begins to truly panic - “the breadwinner has left, how can I raise the children now? What to feed them? What should I wear?” Etc.
Stages of Grief
When loss occurs, we experience shock. Even if the deceased had been ill for a long time, or was very old, we still in our hearts do not agree with his passing. And this can be explained very simply.
None of us still understands the nature of death. After all, each of us asked the question “Why are we born if we die anyway? And why is death present if a person could continue to enjoy life? What frightens us even more is the fear of death - no one has ever returned from there and told us what death is, what a person feels at the moment of leaving for another world, what awaits him there.
So, initially we experience shock, then, realizing that the person has died, we still cannot come to terms with it. But this does not mean that we are unable to do anything. We have already talked about how some people quite calmly organize funerals and wakes. And from the outside it seems that the person is very persistent and has a strong will. In fact, he is in a state of stupor. His head is confused and he doesn’t know what’s happening around him or how to accept what happened.
- In psychology there is a term “depersonalization”. Some, in moments of loss, seem to abandon themselves and look at what is happening as if from the outside. A person does not feel his personality, and everything that happens around him does not concern him, and in general, all this is unreal.
- When grief sets in, some people immediately cry and sob. This can last up to a week, but then they realize what really happened. This is where panic attacks come into play, which are difficult to cope with – you need a psychologist and help from your family.
As a rule, an acute feeling of loss and grief lasts from about five weeks to three months and for some, as we already know, grief becomes a companion for their lives. As for the majority who experience grief for several months, they experience the following phenomena:
Melancholy, strong cravings and constant thoughts about the deceased, all this is accompanied by tears. Almost everyone who mourns a loss has dreams in which a deceased person always appears. While awake, visual fragments often appear in thoughts in which the deceased says, does, laughs, jokes something. Initially, the sufferer cries constantly, but over time, the suffering gradually goes away and calms down.
Belief in the non-existent. A frequent companion to moments of grief are illusions created by the sufferer himself. A window that suddenly opens, noise, a photo frame that falls due to a draft, and other phenomena are perceived as signs and they often say that the deceased is walking and does not want to “leave.”
The whole reason is that most do not want to “let go” of the deceased and hope to maintain contact with him. The belief that the dead person is still nearby is so strong that auditory and visual hallucinations occur. It seems that the deceased said something, went into another room, and even turned on the stove. Often people start talking to the object of their suffering imagination, ask something and it seems to them that the dead person is answering them.
Depression. Almost half of those who have lost a loved one, dear to their hearts and souls, experience a common symptomatic triad: depressed mood, disturbed sleep and tearfulness. They can sometimes be accompanied by symptoms such as sudden and severe weight loss, fatigue, feelings of anxiety, fear, indecision, meaninglessness of life, complete loss of interests, and a strong sense of guilt.
That is, all these are signs of a banal situation, from which it will be quite difficult to get out of it yourself. The fact is that a depressive state can occur due to insufficient production of hormones of joy and pleasure. Bereavement can provoke this condition, followed by depression, which can be treated with special methods and medications.
Often, when a very dear and beloved person passes away, someone close to you may experience strong feelings of anxiety. Loss of meaning in life and fear of living without the only thing. A powerful feeling of one’s own guilt, a desire to be closer to one’s beloved (lover) and other moments can lead to thoughts of suicide. Most often, the symptoms are indicative of widows. They suffer for a long time and for six months, their anxieties, fears, and feelings of grief can increase threefold.
There is a type of person who becomes very energetic after a bereavement. They are constantly “on their feet”, cooking, cleaning, driving, doing various jobs. That is, you can say about them “can’t sit still.” Some women, after their husband leaves, can visit his grave every day and call him back. They look at the pictures, think and remember the old days.
This can last from several months to years. There is always one or more graves in the cemetery where there are fresh flowers every day. This suggests that a person continues to mourn the deceased even after years.
It should also not be surprising that after the death of a loved one, the sufferer becomes angry. This happens especially often with parents who have lost their child. They blame the doctors for everything, are angry with God and claim that their child could have been saved. In this case, it is necessary to gain patience and wisdom, and by about six months after the loss, people calm down and pull themselves together.
Reaction to loss - atypical symptoms
Strange, inappropriate types of reactions occur more often during loss in women. Men are more persistent and reserved. No, this doesn’t mean that they don’t worry, they just keep everything “to themselves.” An atypical reaction occurs immediately:
- numbness lasts approximately 15-20 days, and the general stage of suffering can last more than a year with a severe course;
- pronounced alienation, the person cannot work and constantly thinks about suicide. There is no way to accept the loss and come to terms with it;
- A person “sits” a powerful feeling of guilt and incredible hostility towards everyone around him. Hypochondria, similar to that of the deceased, may develop. With an atypical reaction, the risk of suicide within a year after the loss can increase by two and a half times. You should especially be close to the sufferer on the anniversary of your death. There is also a high risk of death from somatic diseases within six months after a person’s death.
Atypical symptoms of grief also include a delayed reaction to a sad event. Complete denial that the person has died, an imaginary absence of suffering and experiences.
An atypical reaction does not arise just like that and it is caused by the characteristics of the human psyche and circumstances such as:
- The death of a loved one came suddenly, because it was not expected.
- The sufferer did not have the opportunity to say goodbye to the deceased in order to fully express his grief.
- The relationship with the person who had passed on to another world was difficult, hostile, and acute.
- Death touched the child.
- The suffering person has already suffered a severe loss, and most likely the sad event happened in childhood.
- There is no support when there are no loved ones nearby, relatives who can lend a shoulder, distract a little and even physically help with organizing the funeral, etc.
How to survive grief
You need to decide right away whether you or your loved one have experienced grief, and if misfortune has affected you, then assess your condition. Yes, the death of a dear person is the worst thing that can happen in this life, but you still have to live on, no matter how banal it may sound. "For what? What's the point? This question is asked by those who have lost their own child, loved one, or loved one. The following point will most likely help here.
We all believe in God. And even those who consider themselves an atheist still hope in their hearts that there are higher powers thanks to which life on the planet began. So, according to the Bible (and it doesn’t teach anything bad, it has a lot of useful information), people go to heaven or hell. But even if he has many mortal sins, after death, he goes through the stages of purification and still ends up in heaven.
That is, everything suggests that death is not the end, but rather the beginning. Therefore, it is important to pull yourself together and live. Attend church, because the Lord does not wish harm on anyone. Pray, ask for help, ask for it sincerely - and you will be shocked by what begins to happen in your soul.
Don't be alone. This way you will suffer much less. Chat with friends. It will be difficult at first, but over time everything will return to normal. Communication with those who have also experienced loss is especially effective. They will give you useful tips about what to do, how to behave, where to go, what to visit, read, watch, so that the pain goes away little by little. You will understand that all the moments that arose in you after the loss - a strong feeling of guilt, the desire to part with life, hatred of others are also inherent in other people, you are no exception.
Traditional Treatments
And now to practical advice. If a person has a serious form of an atypical reaction, it is necessary to consult a specialist. This will require both cognitive behavioral therapy and medicines– sedatives, antidepressants, etc. Thanks to the psychotherapist's sessions, the patient goes through the stages of his grief from beginning to end (no matter how difficult it may be). And, in the end, he realizes what happened and comes to terms with it.
Many of us do not want to get rid of the state of grief. Some believe that this is how they remain faithful to the departed, and if they start living, they will betray them. This is wrong! On the contrary, remember how the one who passed on to another world treated you. Would he really be pleased to watch your long suffering? One hundred percent, he (she) would want you to enjoy life and have fun. They simply did not forget about the dead and honored their memory, and if you have mental problems after the death of a loved one, then consult a doctor and be cured of the pain.
In our suffering, we most of all show our selfishness. Let's think - maybe there is a person next to us who suffers no less than you, and maybe more. Look around, be close to those with whom you must share grief. This way there will be more of you and it will become much easier to resist problems, attacks of pain, anger, sadness, malice.
For those who have witnessed a person’s grief, they also need to take certain steps, and not look at the suffering with indifference.
- Help physically, because funerals and suffering take a lot of energy. Therefore, it is important to help a person put his house in order. Buy groceries, walk animals, chat with children, etc.
- There is no need to let the sufferer be alone, except in exceptional moments. Do everything with him - let him be distracted.
- Try to take him outside, communicate, but don’t be too intrusive. The main thing for you to know is that everything is fine with him physically, but there is no need to talk about moral things yet.
- There is no need to force a person to hold back; if tears flow, let him cry.
- If the sufferer becomes numb, give a light slap in the face. He needs to throw out the pain that is quietly, silently destroying him from the inside. If this is not done, a powerful nervous breakdown is possible. There have been cases when in such a state a person simply went crazy.
- Change the course of his mood; if he constantly cries, shout at him, blame him for something. Remember some nonsense that made you hold a grudge against him. If there are no such memories, invent them. And most importantly, throw a hysteria, a scandal and partially switch the thoughts of the sufferer to your problems. Then calm down and apologize.
- Talk to him about who died. A person needs to speak out; it will be easier for him if someone listens to his memories of the deceased.
- Conversations on any topic should be interesting to you. So, from day to day, first short, then longer moments will arise, during which the sufferer will begin to forget about the pain. In time, life will take its toll and grief will be endured.
- When communicating, do not interrupt your friend; what is important now is his mental state, not your difficulties and problems.
- Don’t even think about being offended if your sad interlocutor suddenly gets angry or doesn’t want to communicate with you anymore. Here the fault is no longer in him, but in his wounded psyche. He (she) will have many more moments with sudden mood swings, sadness, melancholy and reluctance to see anyone. Be patient and wait a little, then, after a couple of days, as if nothing had happened, visit your friend again on an imaginary occasion.
The loss of a person is the worst thing that can happen in our lives, and no matter how indignant we are about it, no one can change the course of fate. But we can do something else - remain human even in moments of extreme grief. Save your face, continue to adhere to moral principles and ethics. After all, no one around you is to blame for the tragic event that happened to you.
This article is about the rules for helping people experiencing the death of a loved one. They help soften the grieving process. and cope with the pain and suffering that comes with it
Greetings
You, dear reader!
In we discussed with you the stages of experiencing grief.
As I promised, in this publication I will talk about how to help a loved one overcome the grief of loss.
Why did I decide
write an article on this topic?
The point is that I often work with people experiencing grief. .
And it happens that they complain that the grieving person does not accept their help or does not respond to it adequately.
Many people do not even know how to behave with a grieving person and how to help him.
Indeed, often people do not have sufficient psychological literacy to provide such assistance.
Moreover, many of their advice and admonitions only worsen the condition of the grieving person.
For example,
What are phrases like:
- “Stop grieving and crying, it’s time!”
- “You shouldn’t punish yourself like that - life goes on”
- “You can’t help him (the deceased), but you are needed alive! Stop grieving!"
- “Hold on and be strong! Tears won't help your grief!
Why doesn’t such support help, and sometimes makes things worse?
Firstly, such admonitions push the grieving person away from you. After all, you don’t hear his true feelings. You ignore and devalue them with these phrases.
What you are talking about now is not at all what is relevant.
And what is relevant now is the experience of the grieving person, not the thoughts of command.
Secondly, as a consequence, such help interrupts the natural course of the grief process.
It's like preventing a bodily wound from healing.
A different approach is needed here. And you will find out what it is like by reading this article to the end.
So, …
General rules
psychological support mourner
person
♦♦ ♦ ♦♦♦ ♦♦♦
Before we move on to describing these rules, I will highlight a few important points.
First. Since even a complete stranger and unfamiliar person is a very unpleasant event, thenand the grief of the person mourning causes natural rejection.
Because it is associated with feelings of powerlessness, fear, anxiety and uncertainty.
Psychological defense is triggered. You instinctively pull away and feel confused.
Hence the notorious: “Stop suffering, tears won’t help your grief.”
Such words are often spoken not for the grieving person, but for oneself.
To naturally distance yourself from grief and experience it as little as possible.
Second. As I said above, one should not devalue the feelings and experiences of a grieving person with phrases such as:
- “You shouldn’t kill yourself like that! After all, he was so sick, but now he feels better, he has suffered!”
- “Look, A.V. It was even worse - her child died, and your husband lived a long time!”
Grief is individual, it cannot be compared with any other. This only devalues and causes protest.
Or, for example, the phrases:
“You still have everything ahead! You will still have time to improve your life. “Have another child”, “You will get married again”, etc.
Phrases like this only make things worse. After all, grief is here in the present. Therefore, now the grieving person has no time yet.
The pain of loss is still too acute, the suffering is too deep.
The grieving process should not be interrupted, but the person should be allowed to go through it, allowed to grieve.
This the most important condition returning to normal life, but without the deceased person.
And third. It should be remembered that the death of a loved one can cause very acute reactions in a person, including stress disorder.
And you must be prepared for very unusual mental states in a person experiencing grief.
This may be stupor or, conversely, strong motor and emotional excitement, similar to hysteria. This may be unusual calmness, or complete apathy and indifference to everything.
So here you go general rules helping a grieving person:
♦
1. Be there
♦
This means psychologically. Even if you are geographically far away, support the person .
Be prepared to listen a lot to the grieving person and empathize with him. He needs to know that he is not alone.
That there is someone nearby who you can lean on in this sorrowful hour.
It is important to let him talk. Let him talk about his experiences, about memories of the deceased.
It is important not to avoid issues of death and suffering, not to turn the conversation to extraneous topics, but to talk about what is in your heart.
Let him talk about everything that comes to his mind. It is also important to give him the opportunity to cry.
Tears are... This is the basis of grieving and saying goodbye to the deceased.
Crying and saying what is inside are key moments in the gradual process of grief, the path to liberation from suffering.
Therefore, if you want to help a loved one, then you should not immediately and categorically calm him down when he cries and sobs.
Let him cry, let him not hold back his tears and sobs.
Articles related to the topic:
♦
2. Help
♦
Offer your help. But don't just say, “How can I help you?” And offer something specific. For example: “What do you need to buy?”, “Should I stay with you at night?”, “Go grocery shopping?” etc.
It is difficult for a grieving person to assess the situation, so specific help will be very helpful.
Help the grieving person master new social and living conditions and establish life without the deceased person.
But don’t bother with your help if you feel that it is not needed at the moment.
Perhaps the mourner wants to be alone for a while, so as not to be disturbed.
Give him this opportunity.
Sometimes, to get over grief, you need to stay with it for a while. .
♦
3. Accept
♦
Accept the grieving person, his feelings and experiences sincerely, unconditionally and unconditionally. Whatever he may be: angry, crying, critical, unhappy, sick, unpleasant to you, weak, and even sharply refusing your help.
He must see that he is sincerely accepted, despite his shortcomings and the fact that he may cause problems for others with his weakness or something similar.
♦
4. Be patient
♦
To the emotional instability of the grieving person, to acute reactions, to weaknesses, to his irritability and anger.
Listen patiently to his complaints, his stories and memories of the deceased, even if they have been repeated more than once.
This the most important moment grief - allowing attacks of suffering and grief to come out through talking and tears.
The more of this, the better.
In general, it is worth noting that patience is included in the list.
But is this really so? Read about this in the article:
♦
5. Monitor the health of the bereaved
♦
First of all, organize opportunities for rest and proper nutrition. Because the mourner himself may not notice the need for this.
If he refuses to sleep and eat, then show gentle persistence and offer to eat very little and sleep for at least half an hour.
♦
6. Watch your speech
♦
Avoid evaluative, categorical and catastrophizing judgments, such as:
- “What a horror!”
- “You can’t survive this!”
- “Why did he do that!”
- “Everything is bad!”
- “Sooner or later we will all die!”
- “Weakness is bad! You need to be courageous!” etc.
These judgments are nothing more than leading to problems in life and relationships.
Also avoid any statements that could make the grieving person feel guilty.
♦
7. Don't force things
♦
This means don’t rush the grieving process. Everyone has it, and its timing is individual. Grief is experienced in stages.
If it is not completely completed, or the process is “stuck” on one of them, then this can have a bad effect on the psychological and physical health of the mourner.
Do not try to cheer up the mourner, radically distract him from grief, or take him away from his worries.
For more information about this, see the article:
Important!!!
You should start to worry if:
a) the grieving person has already experienced delusions and hallucinations more than once;
b) he has been experiencing unusual conditions for a long time, for example, when a person is too calm, or his emotional and motor excitement does not go away for a long time;
c) he abuses alcohol, drugs and/or medications;
d) stops taking care of his health, appearance and living conditions;
e) talks a lot about the meaninglessness of life, that he would like to join the deceased, that he does not want to live, does not see the point in this, that now he does not care what will happen next, and how to continue to live
All this should alert you.
Best if necessary.
I guess that's all.
Now you know the general rules of how to help a loved one overcome grief.
In the next article we will talk about one of the most effective tools
psychological assistance –
adminEvery person has experienced grief at least once in their life. This could be divorce, the death of a loved one, or another life loss. Everyone's experiences manifest themselves differently. At such moments, do you want to open your eyes and realize that this is just a dream? and in fact there was nothing. But, unfortunately, this is not the case. A person experiences hopelessness, emptiness, fear. The soul is torn apart from the inability to change something and return it back. But life goes on? and we need to move on.
The worst grief is the death of loved ones. When relatives, friends, acquaintances pass away, we do not forget them, the memory of them remains forever in our hearts. You need to survive the grief and approach this period wisely. The question is - how to do this?
There are several stages of grief that a person goes through:
The first stage is shock and denial. When a person learns about the death of a loved one, he does not fully believe it. There remains hope that this is not true, there was a mistake, this could not happen. Denial continues differently for everyone. After a week, tension sets in, a feeling of unreality of what is happening, a mental feeling. At this time, a person lives in a happy past, remembers good and kind moments, thinks about the past and does not want to accept the present. Later comes anger. Anger from the powerlessness to change circumstances, anger at the new bitter reality in which it is so difficult to live without a loved one.
The second period is anger, anger, great resentment. The person does not understand why this happened to him. If this is a divorce or separation, then there is a desire to take out anger, to hurt the ex-spouse as much as possible. If this is the death of a loved one, then resentment appears against the deceased for leaving family and friends and passing away. People begin to feel sorry for themselves, not understanding what to do next.
The third stage is the transaction. At this stage, reality is blurred, what is happening around is foggy. During this period, a person seems to be trying to come to an agreement and regain what was lost. Prayers for the spouse not to leave, promises that things will change. In the case of a dying relative, prayers addressed to God for salvation. At this time, a person is ready to do anything to correct the situation. In the event of death, a person understands with his mind that nothing can be returned back, but in the subconscious. Sometimes thoughts arise to call a person, talk to him, although he cannot be returned. It seems like this is a dream and it will end soon.
The fourth stage is depression. During this period, a person experiences self-pity, feels hopelessness, despair, and bitterness. This affects the physiological state. Weakness, chest pain, and a lump in the throat appear. It is at this time that an understanding of reality and an awareness of loss comes. A person realizes that what he dreamed about, what he planned, what he hoped for will never come true. A person loses interest in life and does not see the meaning of existence. He thinks all the time about the person who has left his life, remembers and suffers. At this time, relationships with others are tense, the grieving person strives for solitude and does not make contact.
But you need to gain strength, leave your experiences in the past and remember only the good things. When a person understands that the deceased will forever remain with him, in his heart and in good memories, then the final stage of experiencing grief begins. Relatives and friends need to be extremely attentive to the well-being of the bereaved person. Monitor your mental and emotional state. Some people try to forget with antidepressants, alcohol or even drugs. It is important to prevent the already difficult situation from getting worse.
The fifth stage is acceptance. At this stage, the existing reality is accepted, the loss is already perceived as inevitable. Acceptance of loss comes. At the end of this period, psychological healing and a return to everyday normal life, work, and family begin. Relationships with others are improved. The experience of grief fades into the background, but often returns in the form of flashes of memories. They may be accompanied by a difficult mental state, worsening mood, and tearfulness, but this quickly passes. They are caused by what reminds of the departed (photos, personal belongings, memorable dates).
But over time, only warm memories remain that are not associated with grief. Having returned to normal life, a person gradually forgets about pain, because he needs to work, solve various issues, take care of business and family. And the image of the deceased occupies a certain place in life and becomes a kind of positive symbol.
How to survive grief?
Unfortunately, there is no medicine that will help you turn the page without pain and suffering. You need to survive this period and move on. At the stages of grief, a person will need help so that he has the strength to live on.
They begin to look at life and the surrounding reality differently. As a rule, after experiencing grief, you begin to appreciate those who are nearby, every day you live with your loved ones, talk more often about your feelings and take care of your family. Also, after a loss, people take small everyday problems less seriously and painfully. Which undoubtedly makes life more positive. So experiencing grief gives people invaluable experience and the opportunity to understand that they need to cherish what they have and love life.
How to cope with grief? Why does grief need to be experienced?
The main thing for a person experiencing grief is to recognize the reality of the loss. Understand that this has already happened. You can't fix anything. All you can do is accept the loss and come to terms with it. Try not to isolate yourself, talk about how you feel. Share what is going on in your soul with your family and friends or a psychologist. Organize everything necessary for saying goodbye to a loved one and be present at all rituals (funeral, wake, 9 days, 40 days, year). No matter how difficult it is, this will help you comprehend the passing of a loved one and accept what happened as inevitable.
At the stage of experiencing pain, it is important to understand what is happening to you and that you are experiencing absolutely normal feelings. Spend more time with loved ones or those who have already experienced loss. Understanding the fact that you are not the only person on earth experiencing loss will help you calm down a little. And people who have already experienced the death of a loved one will help you with advice and support.
There is a special exercise - draw a circle around yourself and express everything you feel. Then leave the circle. This symbolizes that everyone will remain there, and you will move on without the pain and bitterness of loss, keeping in your heart the bright image of the person who left this world. This will be deposited on a subconscious level, and you will feel better.
Try to get used to the idea that your loved one is no longer there, and realize the need to move on with your life. Think about what the deceased gave you and what you can do from it yourself. Indeed, in such a situation, a person experiences concerns regarding future life. Including everyday household items. For example, if a woman has lost her husband, who provided for her and her children, she understands that she now needs to earn money on her own in order to live and feed the child, and is usually forced to remember the education she once received. And the fact that she will be able to earn money herself and support her family will ultimately give her strength.
Establish calm communication with others. Of course, they will be sympathetic to your grief. You need the support and attention of loved ones, but you may have a desire to be alone. And here it is important to tell them about it without quarrels and without offending your relatives. If you need communication and help, always seek support from others, do not isolate yourself. After all, they are very worried about you and wish you well. 
Try to find at least the slightest meaning in the departure of a loved one. This the most difficult task, which can only be started at the acceptance stage, at other stages severe pain won't let me think about it. And when you begin to get used to the loss and calm down, you can think about the meaning of your loved one’s departure. For example, if a person suffered from a serious illness - deliverance from torment; if he was a widower - a meeting in heaven with his wife. Come up with even the most absurd excuses. And maybe one of them will bring relief.
Often after the death of a loved one, especially unexpectedly, a person begins to blame himself and scold himself for not paying enough attention lately. He didn’t finish the things he promised, didn’t say how much he loved him, didn’t have time to say goodbye. This creates tension and anxiety in a difficult psychological situation. Incompleteness must also be eliminated. Write a message to the deceased. Talk about your feelings, your moral state, ask for forgiveness for something or for specific actions. Think that he will definitely hear you and forgive you. This is an important step towards returning to normal life.
Focus your energy on real relationships with loved ones. Remember that you still have many dear and beloved people for whom life is worth living and they also need you. Gradually the pain will subside, turning into sadness. Then the awareness and feeling of family cohesion will come. When relatives support each other, grief is easier to overcome. Give attention, love, support to living loved ones. Over time, you will realize that you have become wiser and realize that you have gained a lot from your loss. 
After the stage of awareness and acceptance, you can think about spending your energy on good deeds. The departed person lives in your heart, you can always communicate with him in your thoughts. If he died from some disease, think that many people suffer from such a disease, and if there is an opportunity to help them, help. Do charity work or become a volunteer. You will be able to support people who find themselves in a similar situation. Some people create relief funds to combat any disease. Or, for example, the deceased loved animals and wanted to build a shelter, but did not have time to complete what he started. This way you will always know that a piece of your loved one is here, in this project.
Death is inevitable. This will happen to everyone at some point. Try to accept it and learn to live after the grief you have experienced. And. They will still come out, but they will manifest themselves much more harmfully. In , addictions, health problems. Nervous breakdowns may occur.
There are special programs, developed by doctors to help people cope with grief. The help of qualified doctors will not be superfluous. Don’t forget about yourself, you can’t bring back someone who has left, but you need to raise your children, help your parents and just live. Therefore, do not let everything take its course, strive to survive the pain of loss. Try to pull yourself together.
Remember that time heals, it will put everything in its place and life will return to normal. Experiencing pain after the death of loved ones is completely natural and normal. This is common to all people. Everything that happens to you now will make you stronger and wiser. And after some time you will be able to live a full life again happy life and rejoice. And you will experience tender and kind feelings towards your departed loved one. Only warm and pleasant memories will remain about him.
3 March 2014, 13:58
