A writer, of course, is just the same as me... So What, If What– don’t blame me. I would like to tell one story. Tell me honestly. How it really happened (thanks, by the way, for the opportunity to post my letter). Maybe then my beloved woman will forgive me.
The point is that I won the bet. At stake was a not so great prize - a used car. But he did not play a leading role here. Didn't affect my consent in any way. I was overcome with mad excitement. Never – neither “before” nor “after” – have I experienced anything like this. I don't play games. At all. I'm not a gambler. But there was such an unusual argument, I don’t know how to describe it, and I couldn’t pass by.
I wanted to try my hand and understand whether this could actually happen. The gist of it, in a nutshell, was this: can a man (me, in given case) to fall in love with a woman over time. My friends made the task a little easier for me: they allowed me to choose women from those I knew more or less and those who, by all accounts, liked me. The deadline was six months.
I chose my neighbor. She lived in the house opposite. When we were snotty little fry, we played together in the same sandbox. She was younger than me (how exactly, I didn’t remember) and always treated me normally. When we grew up, each of us had our own group of interests, but we still crossed paths in the yard, said hello, sometimes I even brought her bags to the entrance (courtesy - no more) if decency required it.
I went to vocational school, graduated from college and joined the army. By that time, I think, she was finishing her medical degree. She lived with her parents. She had no sisters or brothers - that's all I knew about her. The candidacy of my “lady of heart” was approved, and the experiment began with my participation in the leading role.
Can a man fall in love over time? This question often tormented me at first. Especially at night. I've been replaying it in my mind various options, because first I needed to make her fall in love with me. While thinking, the dark time of the day flew by, workdays began, and I, not at all rested, but happy with the “order” for the day, he walked cheerfully through the streets. After consulting with the guys, I decided to act in a proven way: to win her through the ears. I'm not kidding. Women love with their ears – that’s what I took advantage of.
When meeting her in the yard, he complimented her. As if by chance meeting her with mutual friends, I told her about the melodramatic film that I watched (not without disgust) the other day, I was retelling to her books that I supposedly read in the army library (but in fact, I listened to their audio versions over several days) and so on.
And she took the bait. I felt it. I don't know how to explain it. It's like when a person has poor eyesight, the whole world seems to blur. That is, you seem to see a tree, a person, a house, passing cars. You know that it all surrounds you. You see colors. But there is no clarity. And then - bam! - and the sharpness “improved”. You see the same tree, person, house, passing cars, but you see them as if for the first time. This is exactly what her look looked like. And I realized - she took the bait.
My soul rejoiced! However, having fallen in love with her, I realized that I had lost interest. And the task of loving this woman over time no longer seemed so funny to me. I suddenly realized that I couldn’t. Not in six months, not in a year, not in two. Of course, I still had three months left, and I wasn’t going to give up, and I wasn’t going to admit to my friends that I was exhausted either. That's why I decided to be intimate with her.
Yes, I'm a scoundrel. Yes, I didn't do it out of love. Yes, I used sexual relationships for my own selfish purposes. I confess. But I liked making love to her. I've never done it by force. I did it, I repeat, because I liked it!
I was sincere in my feelings at the moment of intimacy. But real feelings were far away. I understood that. But I didn’t understand how all this was dragging her down. I didn't realize that this wasn't a game for her. It was never a game. And that the outcome—whether I won or lost the bet—would be unpleasant for her.
From the outside our relationship looked quite natural. My parents went crazy with happiness: their overripe son entered into a serious relationship with a decent girl. Friends (who knew nothing about it) congratulated him on his successful choice. Sometimes it seemed to me myself: this is quiet family happiness. It seemed that the time had come when I could say with confidence: I fell in love with this woman.
But something was missing. There was “almost”, but there was no “already”. The fifth month was ending, and I was ready to admit that this whole idea was worthless. I didn't intend to break off our relationship right away. No. I really became attached to her. I just thought that they would go away on their own. They will outlive themselves. I was wrong.
It is true what they say: if more than two people know a secret, it is no longer a secret. She found out about everything. How? I don't even want to think about it. There were no hysterics, no scandals, tears and other female bullshit. There was a dull look that broke my heart into small pieces. That's how the curtain came down. And I realized that I had lost her. And I also realized that, in general, I won the bet - I was able to fall in love with a woman over time. It was at that moment, when the door closed behind her, that I realized that I loved her.
Now I write to all sites, to all social networks with a request to post my letter of confession. I want her to read it. And she forgave me. Six months have passed since she left (how ironic, right?), and I can’t forget her! I can't forgive myself for getting involved in this stupid argument. On the other hand: then I would not have experienced what I am experiencing now (both bad and good)….
My dear, I want you to know: for me this is no longer a game. It's not a game for a long time. Probably since our first night. Maybe earlier. I just didn't realize it. I was an idiot! Full. And you know it. I love you! Do you hear? If you want, we can switch roles. Now you argue with anyone about whether you can love me over time. I won't be offended. I will wait for your victory. How long will it take you?
adminOften a person appears in our lives to whom we become not indifferent. He selflessly falls in love with us, showing signs of attention, and tries to achieve our favor. If a truly sublime feeling settles in him, and not a fleeting infatuation, then the story of unrequited courtship and unrequited love drags on for long term. Over time, we can no longer imagine the morning without his call or pleasant SMS message. It becomes part of everyday life, filling the mind and soul. It is not surprising that logical questions arise in your head: Perhaps it is with him that you will be happy? How to love the person who loves you? Should you reciprocate long-term courtship?
If you feel the need for friendly support or dream of a serious relationship, then such thoughts appear in the subconscious more and more often. After a short period of time, you involuntarily begin to consider, regarding it as a possible option for your “half”. In the current situation, it is important to realize that the desire that appears is not a figment of a sick imagination. You cannot choose a partner based on the lack of more attractive options. Later, such a decision may become a prerequisite for development caused by the inconsistency of your desires and reality. However, in the case when a person reveals a new side to you, and you can no longer imagine your everyday life without his participation, it is worth trying to find reciprocity in yourself.
Reciprocity in love relationships: features and benefits
“Open up” to your chosen one in order to develop trust in him. If you share your innermost dreams and childhood fears with your partner, then you will have common secrets known only to a select few. For you, such an action will be a serious step towards your cherished goal, because you automatically include the person in a narrow circle of close people.
Find common hobbies so that your time is accompanied by exclusively positive emotions. Do you like animals? Visit zoos and terrariums together, arrange photo sessions with your pets. Are you fascinated by cars? Get into tuning vehicle, draw a graphic layout, decide on the scale of future changes. Be happy when you are near loving person, forgetting about pressing problems and everyday matters.
In the process of cultivating a sublime feeling in yourself, do not try to change, adjusting your personal appearance to achieve your cherished goal. You were loved for the set of qualities that are already present in your image. Learn to adapt to the specifics of the situation, listen to your partner’s opinion, and find compromises. However, do not forget about your own ego.
Don't overdo it in trying to build a relationship based on mutual feelings. Love should be accompanied by a positive spectrum of emotions, and not become a daily routine that causes pain, despair and despondency. Don’t forget to keep the “fire” in your partner’s eyes by warming up own feelings– confidence in the future is distinguished by pleasant but unexpected actions of lovers.
You can’t cultivate love in yourself by going “along the path” sexual relations. If you decide to awaken a sublime feeling with the help of intimacy, then you risk disturbing the harmony of the chosen one’s inner world. Sex without the proper emotional background will turn out to be a rather mediocre event, so it is useless to count on the longevity of a love union.
Don't talk about love if you are not yet ready to utter your cherished words. A phrase spoken under moral and psychological pressure from a partner does not differ in any subtext. Honesty is a stronghold for building new relationships. Starting the construction of a love union with a lie is an inappropriate decision.
When you are about to reciprocate your partner's long-term courtship and attentions, it is important to find peace of mind. Don't make decisions based on emotions and feelings of hopelessness. View a person as your last chance happy marriage- an inappropriate choice. It is worth thinking about the relevance of reciprocal sympathy only in the case when such thoughts themselves appeared on a subconscious level. If you deliberately push yourself, trying to find merit in your partner, then it is useless to count on the strength and durability of a love union.
The question of what ““ is” has remained in the category of rhetorical dilemmas for many centuries. Great minds are capable of giving exceptionally terminological definition a similar phenomenon, but to describe the spectrum of sublime feelings remains impossible to this day. It’s not surprising, because love has no boundaries or boundaries. For each person, it is contained in individual emotions and is associated with certain events, accompanied by vivid and memorable memories.
24 March 2014, 14:40Andelie
Hello,
I'm interested in the question. Is it possible to love a person over time? Even if there is no love when meeting. If we talk theoretically - for example, you are different, some things you don’t understand from her, she also doesn’t understand you in some ways. You look at her and realize that she is not your type. But, nevertheless, something can and does slip into the heart. Over time, you learn to find some kind of compromise, you get to know yourself better and some kind of respect and ease appear, because... you studied each other’s life, biography. Some things became clear. If before this the logic of her actions, even in the most everyday actions, was alien to you, now you really understand why she does this.
Can falling in love happen over time? And then comes love. Has anything like this ever happened to anyone in their life? Or you shouldn’t even try, but just let go, so as not to waste either your time or hers. Well, here it’s worth mentioning that she likes you, and is ready to get closer, if you do, she’s ready to love you, she feels good with you, but you yourself have doubts, when you’re together you feel something wrong something is missing. that is, you seem to understand that she is beautiful, smart, pleasant, but there is no spark, no chemistry arises, and it seems that there is some kind of thin wall between you that cannot be broken through.
P.S.: I myself want to believe in this, because... I want to fall in love with a person for whom I don’t feel any infatuation. I don’t know why) Apparently, I’m afraid to be alone.
Andelie, good afternoon!
but you yourself have doubts, when you are together you feel something is wrong, something is missing. that is, you seem to understand that she is beautiful, smart, pleasant, but there is no spark, no chemistry arises, and it seems that there is some kind of thin wall between you that cannot be broken through.
And if you fantasize, what feeling is this wall associated with?
Andelie
Andelie, Good morning. Perhaps anything is possible) Maybe it makes sense to talk with a psychologist about the fear of being alone? Please write how old are you? Do you work or study?
I am 29 years old. Working. Until this spring, I had no need to love someone. My relationship experience was about 8 years ago, at university. It was the same. I was running away. I couldn’t figure out whether I liked the girl or not. Constantly in doubt. Then we broke up, I swore not to have a relationship. I retreated into myself, into my studies, my work, my dreams. But it so happened that I wanted love. And I started trying. There was one girl before her, it didn’t come to a relationship, I ran away earlier. This time it somehow went further. But it still ended as before - with flight, rejection. I began to understand something - apparently, when I initially start dating, I am not myself. It's like I'm trying to win a girl's love. But in reality I am not me. And as soon as I conquered it, I wanted to run. Something like that.
During the period of avoidance of relationships, I seemed to sublimate this part of my life. That is, work, sports, study, dreams - all this was a kind of avoidance addiction. Maybe I’m an avoidant addict in relationships, I don’t know.
Then we broke up, I swore not to have a relationship.
What does this have to do with? Why did you make this decision?
There was one girl before her, it didn’t come to a relationship, I ran away earlier. This time it somehow went further. But it still ended as before - with flight, rejection
And as soon as I conquered it, I want to run
What are you running away from? What scares you so much about this relationship after you've won attention?
Andelie
Yes, I don’t seem to feel any fear. Well, maybe it's somewhere in the subconscious. At least if there is any fear, then I am not aware of it. That is, I am ready to care and love a person. It seems so to me. But, I don't know. I'm losing interest. I am constantly dissatisfied with something about the girl. I mean appearance, some things in behavior. that is, I start digging and analyzing. And I seem to forget about myself. i.e. all my attention begins to concentrate on the girl, my life and my desires fade into the background. I don't know, really. I’ve already read so much and talked on forums everywhere. Very tired. I need a psychotherapist, a gestalt therapist, a sexologist. But I live in another country now, there is no possibility. And the psychotherapist I need is very expensive)) Although, in principle, I am ready to spend money just to figure everything out once and for all. There is a problem, it must be solved somehow.
This question is often asked by people who become objects of non-reciprocal love. Many psychologists insist that strong relationships begin with friendship, while a romance based only on mutual passion does not last long. So why not try to fall in love with someone who loves you, even if he is only friendly?
Is the game worth the candle?
In books and films, there are not only stories about how people also often become the basis for the plot, and such works often have a happy ending. Similar situations are quite common in life. Should a person who has become the object of non-reciprocal love try to arouse feelings in himself for the contender for his heart?
Why not, if a person dreams of starting a family, he understands that the one who seeks his attention suits him and inspires favor. Friendly sympathy can always be reborn into something more if it is promoted correctly. How to do this is described below.
What to do if the company of someone who is in love is unpleasant for a person and only causes irritation and anxiety? In this case, you should hardly force yourself to spend time with him, trying to fall in love. The result of such efforts will most likely be zero.
Where to start
How to love a person who loves you? First, you need to finally free yourself from relationships that are already in the past. It is especially important to pay attention to this issue if the separation occurred recently. You can’t count on a positive outcome if a person still has feelings for his former lover. Of course, it is difficult to get rid of emotions associated with previous relationships, but the process can always be speeded up.
So before you try to love good man, you need to force yourself to forget about the one with whom the relationship did not work out. To do this, you need to find yourself as many interesting activities as possible that will not leave time for sad thoughts and memories. You are encouraged to attend social events that will help you unwind. You can also come up with an exciting hobby, sign up for courses that promote personal growth, and so on.
If you need to love a person
Let’s assume that feelings for your ex-lover no longer poison your life and do not prevent you from starting a new relationship. How to love a person for whom the object only feels sympathy? You should start working on this by making a list of its advantages. It is possible that the applicant has many positive qualities that make him worthy of attention. You can note his intelligence, devotion, kindness, sense of humor and so on. The longer the list of advantages, the better.
It’s great if a person likes the appearance of someone who declares their love for him. In this case, you should definitely place the photo of your chosen one in a prominent place so that you can admire him as often as possible.
Avoid Criticism
If you want to love a person, it is advisable to pay as little attention as possible to his shortcomings. All people from time to time commit the wrong actions and say the wrong words. It is necessary to be more tolerant of the mistakes that a potential lover makes, and to concentrate on his positive rather than negative traits.
At this stage, conflicts and quarrels are the most dangerous for emerging relationships. You should not provoke them with criticism, even if some character traits of the candidate cause irritation or rejection. Of course, this does not apply to shortcomings that a person can never come to terms with. In this case, it is worth thinking about whether it is advisable to try to evoke feelings in yourself at all.
Spending time together
If a girl wants to fall in love young man, she needs to spend time in his company more often. It is unlikely that you will be able to evoke feelings for a stranger, so you should try to get to know the candidate better. It’s great if you manage to discover common interests and start a joint hobby. Such a pastime will certainly lead to rapprochement, and more topics of conversation will appear that are of interest to everyone. Joint attendance at social events, watching films, performances, and so on is also useful.
Perhaps it is also worth deciding on a joint vacation, especially if people have known each other for a long time. Seeing a lover outside of usual circumstances, you can look at him in a new way, experience an interest that was not there before. Of course, a joint holiday in a romantic setting that evokes the right emotions is welcome.
Signs of attention
An important point is showing attention to the chosen one. It is necessary to provide support to the applicant in difficult life situations, be interested in his problems and concerns, show sympathy. Indifference does not contribute to the emergence of mutual feelings. Also, one cannot ignore the opinion he holds on a particular issue. It is known that the more moral strength invested in a person, the closer and dearer he becomes.
Is it possible to love a person without paying attention to the good that he does for the object of his love? Gifts, compliments, expressions of care - all this needs to be celebrated. Cultivating a sense of gratitude in yourself, talking about it out loud, makes it easier to get closer.
Of course, when paying attention to a potential partner, it is important not to forget and share with him your own experiences, thoughts, and feelings. Secrecy does not contribute to rapprochement, nor does the desire to solve all your problems on your own.
Self-deception
If you sincerely want to love someone who is seeking attention, you can try to convince yourself that this has already happened. To do this, it is useful to behave as lovers do, to be together more often, to strive for spiritual intimacy, and to go on dates.
It is also useful to tell the world about your feelings, even if they currently exist only in the imagination of the storyteller. Let no one doubt that they see a loving couple in front of them. How more people find out about the alleged affair, so much the better. Trying to convince others (friends, acquaintances, relatives) of your love, you can suddenly realize that it really has arisen.
Eye to eye
Is it possible to love a person over time? To do this, psychologists advise looking into the eyes of a potential lover more often. The eyes of a lover beam with happiness and joy, telling about his readiness to do crazy things for the sake of the object of his passion. Such feelings are contagious, and it is easy for people to feel sympathy for someone who is in love with them. After friendship, love can come.
Meeting the parents
What else can you do to fall in love with a young man? This is facilitated by communication with those for whom he is the best. First of all, these are the parents of a potential partner, so you should not avoid communicating with them or flatly refuse to meet them. In addition, this will help you get to know the candidate for the role of the other half better.
Of course, it is also useful to communicate with friends and acquaintances of a possible chosen one, who are also able to talk about his best qualities and help him demonstrate them.
Frankness is important
It is said above that it is necessary to refrain from criticism and try not to provoke quarrels. However, this does not mean that you need to remain silent about everything that you are not happy with in a relationship, especially if we are talking about really important points, which can destroy them. A frank conversation helps eliminate many problems if conducted in a calm and friendly tone. For example, you should not hide your preferences in bed from your partner, and also forget to be interested in his habits and desires.
About the benefits of parting
The above describes how to love a person if such a desire arises. However, we should not forget that moderation is necessary in everything. Anyone who literally forces himself to spend a lot of time in the company of a potential partner can easily begin to feel tired and irritated. If dating begins to seem like an unpleasant chore, you should definitely press pause, take a break from communication and try to understand your own feelings.
It is possible that separation will help to understand how important role a person in love plays in the life of the object of his attention. Perhaps simple interest has already transformed into a more serious feeling. If the desire to meet does not arise for a long time, you should not force yourself to resume dating. There is a high probability that nothing good will come of this.
How to properly evaluate the result
So, the answer to the question of how to love a person is obvious. However, how can you understand whether you succeeded in achieving your goal? This is not always easy, since love is a feeling that can manifest itself in different ways.
If doubts remain, you need to listen to your feelings while being close to your potential other half. It’s wonderful if a person who recently considered himself an object feels comfort, lightness, and joy. Also, a hint of an emerging feeling can be the melancholy that appears during a long separation from a partner.
What to do if such emotions do not arise, although enough time has passed? This may indicate that the person in love is still the hero of someone else's novel. Therefore, it is better to tactfully break up with him, trying not to hurt his feelings, and then start looking for the real second half, which you will definitely find.
Time passes, your friends are all already married, many have become happy mothers, but you still can’t experience the aching and exciting feeling of love? Well, that happens. But you are lucky, at least you have a guy who is seriously in love and wants to connect his life with you. On the one hand, your heart is cold, and you breathe towards it completely evenly. And I really want it to take your breath away at the mere thought of your loved one and for the earth to disappear from under your feet! But on the other hand, where is the guarantee that you will not doom yourself to loneliness if you push away a person who is ready to do anything for you? Or maybe try to change something in yourself, try to fall in love with him too?
It is difficult to say whether you can force yourself to experience feelings for a man if initially there is not even a slight crush. It’s not for nothing that they say that you can’t command your heart. But if you have at least friendly feelings for him, then there is still hope. We are confident that love should be based primarily on sincere friendship. All relationships based solely on pure infatuation or passion tend to break down much faster. Therefore, we will tell you how to fall in love with a guy who already loves you, and you try to follow our advice.
How to love someone
A number of recommendations that you will see below will not light a fire in your heart quickly, as if by magic. But the fact that your friendship will strengthen is certain. You will be able to experience a feeling of affection, and affection will be the first step towards falling in love with your boyfriend. And if love appears, then you can fall in love with the guy for real. So what should you do?
- Love is a deep feeling. It will take time to develop it, and when you manage to fall in love, you will immediately understand it. Don’t rush yourself, be patient and enjoy warm, friendly affection, instead of tormenting yourself with doubts: “I love you or I don’t love you.”
- Be attentive to your chosen one. Take time to listen to him, understand his thoughts, concerns, problems and opinions. Never interrupt a guy when he is talking, and try to make sure that you understand exactly what he wanted to tell you. Perhaps you still don’t know him that well? Sometimes a person does not immediately reveal to others all the richness of his soul and inner world, especially if he sees that they are not listening to him very carefully. What is a real relationship without trying to understand each other? And in general, before falling in love, you should get to know the person well.
- Spend time together more often. This will help you get used to it and find common interests. By being around each other often, you will allow your feelings to emerge and grow naturally.
- Don't forget that loneliness can also be useful. If you suddenly feel that your boyfriend’s company is starting to irritate you, then ask yourself: are we spending too much time together? If this is indeed the case, then try to explain to your friend that you need more personal space and that you would like to spend hours or even days alone from time to time. When this possibility is reduced to zero, then instead of warm feelings you risk feeling hostility, and then you will never be able to fall in love with your boyfriend.
- Try not to criticize to yourself any actions, words or character traits of your friend. It is always better to remember the best that he has. Even if something is really wrong, don’t get angry, just talk to him about it. It may well be that the guy did not even attach importance to the little thing that annoys you so much, and when he finds out about it, he will try not to upset you anymore. But if you like something, be sure to praise it, give compliments. You will see - he will be happy with your praises, and from now on he will try very hard to please you.
- Try not to argue about silly little things that really don't matter that much in the long run. Any argument will irritate you, which can ultimately lead to hostility. But you want to fall in love, not hate, right?
- If you do start arguing, and maybe even quarreling, then don’t try to find out everything right now. Try to calm down, and then discuss everything with a cool head. It’s worth even apologizing for your incontinence. This will free you both from the feeling of resentment that has crept into your soul.
- Share with your boyfriend any, even the smallest, joy and sadness, and do not forget to share with him his joys and troubles. This brings the two very close, makes their souls closer. Just always be honest and sincere in expressing your feelings. Any, even the most insignificant deception forever leaves cracks in relationships.
- Don't try to change yourself. Appreciate your quirks and characteristics, let your behavior always be natural. All this is part of your uniqueness, which cannot be more valuable than anything. You shouldn’t try to change anything about a guy, or “re-educate” him. You just need to be patient, get used to it, get attached to it, and love will eventually be born in your heart.
Advising in love is a thankless task. But there are things that cannot be said about either. We'll talk about this now:
- Don't overdo it when building a relationship: love should be happy and give the feeling of something refreshing. If it becomes a routine, it simply dies.
- Love should be a consolation, not a source of pain and suffering.
- Do not say that you love, just under pressure from the outside, if in fact there is no feeling for it. Pressure and control cannot be part of a good relationship. You can only love when you want it, and not when someone else wants it.
- Try to understand your friend and learn to compromise. Without this, there will also be no good relationship.
- Remember: love is never only “consuming”. If you want to love, learn to share and even give.
- Very important: if you stop feeling love in the depths of your soul, then it will be very painful for you if you force yourself to be close to this person. Likewise, nothing will force your partner to stay with you if his feelings fade. But it is also important to remember that the first romantic feelings will inevitably dissipate, but love is not based on them at all. Much more important is mutual understanding, affection, respect, friendly feelings and sympathy for a person in order to continue to love him.
- If your relationship has not yet reached sex and you do not want to have it, then you should not do it just because your boyfriend wants it. Even if you have already fallen in love with him. Don’t fall for arguments like “if you love me, then you will do this!” Consenting to sex (if it goes against your wishes) is not proof of love. In this case, you have the right to put forward your argument: “If you love me, you won’t rush me!”
- You shouldn’t constantly follow the lead and do everything the way your boyfriend wants it. People have the feeling that we don't have own opinion, if we do everything that is offered to us. Don't be afraid to say no to your friend or to have your own way if you disagree. This does not stop you from loving him, just as it does not stop him from loving you, because every person has the right to his own opinion. Most importantly, don't forget common sense.
- Never ignore the alarm bells in the depths of your soul (when the feeling “something is wrong here…”) Remember - no one will be nice to you by force.
But in reality, everything is not so difficult and scary. It is quite possible to love a person, the main thing is that he deserves your love. And so that you feel comfortable around him. Remember - no one falls in love at first sight; If this happens, it is more likely passion, not love. Love comes gradually when you get to know a person well and get used to the fact that he is constantly next to you. So be patient and fall in love!
