Funerals, like all ritual ceremonies, have their own traditions, rules and signs. Traditionally, the deceased is remembered on the day of the funeral, on the ninth, fortieth day and a year after death. Funerals are accompanied by strict observance of church canons, but there are also a number of folk “laws” that are called funeral signs. They try to adhere to them almost more strictly than the rituals themselves. And this is not only a tribute to the deceased person. They contain the memory of the deceased and peace of mind for the living.
Strict signs preceding the funeral meal
Funeral ceremonies and meals are held several times:
- Immediately after the burial of the deceased, when his soul says goodbye to his body.
- On the ninth day after death, when the soul saw both the heavenly abode and the underworld.
- On the fortieth day, when the soul says goodbye to the world of the living and flies away to the kingdom of heaven or hell.
- On the anniversary of death, when the soul of the deceased passes into a new eternal life.
Before the wake, organized immediately after the funeral, a number of mandatory signs necessary to prepare for the funeral meal are observed:
- In some regions, after a burial, it is customary to remember the deceased directly in the cemetery, drinking to the repose and leaving a glass of vodka on the fresh grave. However, experts who study funeral traditions claim that according to some rituals, after burial, it is customary to crumble a piece of bread on the grave. The relatives of the deceased do this, referring to an ancient Slavic belief, which states that the soul that has left the body can move into a bird, so it would be more correct if the birds eat the bread crumbs.
- Upon returning home after the funeral, the cup, bowl, spoon and fork that the deceased liked to use are given to the poor. It is believed that the gratitude of people in need will provide the soul with an easy transition from the world of the living to the world of the dead.
- Several candles are lit on the funeral table. One near the portrait of the deceased, and several more in the center of the table. This is also connected with long-standing beliefs that say that the element of Fire is capable of neutralizing the heavy energy of death and negativity brought from the cemetery. There is another point of view. There should be only one candle on the table. In this case, in order to neutralize the energy of death, a church candle is placed near the entrance to the room where the funeral meal will take place. People coming from the cemetery should warm their hands over the flame.
- There is a tradition on the day of the funeral before the wake to place a glass of water on the windowsill (or in the place where the deceased spent a lot of time). Observance of this sign is necessary so that the soul that has passed on to another world drinks the cup of earthly life to the bottom and does not suffer half-lived and unfinished. If there is less than half of the water in the glass before the fortieth day, it needs to be added.
- Before starting the funeral meal, treats for the deceased must be placed on the table. Dishes may vary from region to region, but often, in addition to a glass of vodka and a piece of bread, a memorial pancake and a glass of compote or jelly are placed next to the photograph. This should be the first piece cut from a loaf of bread, the first hundred grams of vodka from a new bottle, the first baked pancake and the first ladle of jelly. Adhering to this sign, loved ones and relatives express respect to a dear person and indicate the importance of the occasion for which they have gathered here.
Signs during a funeral meal
The memorial rite is also filled with signs that are designed to honor the memory, observe customs and ensure peace for the living:
- You can't clink glasses at a funeral dinner. This sign is associated with the traditions of the Slavs. The clinking of glasses is equated to the ringing of bells, and it is known to drive away spirits. In this regard, the tradition arose of not clinking glasses when remembering the deceased, so as not to drive his soul away from the wake.
- It is bad luck to make long toasts at a wake. This is especially true for the first glass drunk, which is raised with a short text about who you are drinking for. They all drink without clinking glasses and in silence. This is done as a sign of deep mourning and in memory of a person who has passed away forever.
- You cannot borrow tables, chairs or dishes for a funeral. It is believed that by taking them back, you can bring the spirit of death into your home.
- It is unacceptable to laugh and sing too long at a wake. Anyone who violates this sign will soon howl with grief. It is also forbidden to cry a lot for the deceased. His soul may drown in tears.
- The use of forks during a funeral dinner is discouraged. The menu usually includes dishes that are eaten with spoons or hands. The fork symbolizes the devil's trident.
- For a wake, after forty days, it is customary to bake “ladders.” People who believe in omens say that they help the soul ascend to heaven.
Unfortunately, nowadays it is simply impossible to imagine a funeral meal without drinking alcohol. Having vodka on the table is a necessity and a sign of good taste. But few people think that commemoration with alcohol is unacceptable in the Christian tradition of commemoration.
After a person passes into eternity, the living remaining on earth are obliged to honor the memory of a deceased relative or friend. It is believed that a person is alive only when he is remembered. Our love for those who have passed on to another form of existence is manifested in the dignified preparation of funerals and funeral dinners.
Everyone who calls himself a Christian prepares a funeral meal on the 9th, 40th day and anniversary.
Currently, there is a practice of commemorating the dead with alcohol. Tradition is the most common and necessary. This is exactly what many people think. Vodka or other alcohol on the table symbolizes the correctness of the wake, and if this is not provided, then the relatives may even be offended. In fact, commemorating with alcohol is strictly prohibited. This is a sin and desecration of the memory of the deceased. It is necessary to realize that the meaning of a wake is not just food and drink, but memory and prayer for the deceased, as well as doing good deeds.
It turns out that many follow the lead of the crowd, drinking alcohol. This terrible tradition did not exist in the history of pre-revolutionary Russia, so it is wrong to say that it has always been this way; people understood the need for proper commemoration. It is not customary to drink for peace, but only for health and in moderation.
A Christian should not compromise with his conscience. And if a person is Orthodox in essence, then it is necessary not only to know the main things, but also to live in accordance with the Christian tradition.
Bread and vodka in front of a photo of the deceased
Popular tradition dictates placing bread and vodka in front of a photograph of the newly deceased. This is a very common phenomenon that is not only useless, but also harmful to a person. It is believed that the human soul spends the first 3 days after death on earth, visiting its favorite places. Bread and water are left for the soul of the deceased so that it can eat and drink. This custom has nothing to do with Christian doctrine, since the soul is immaterial and has absolutely no need for earthly food. This tradition also harms the living in the sense that people forget about the main thing in commemoration - prayer to God for a deceased relative.
The roots of this myth go back to the times after 1917, when people who hated Orthodoxy came to power in Russia. Real Christian traditions are being replaced by unnecessary fairy tales. Bread and vodka are one of those. Since the clergy was persecuted in post-revolutionary times, there was simply no one to explain the essence of the commemorations to the people. Therefore, it turns out that such a custom has become firmly entrenched in our lives.
The problem is that a person often doesn’t even know why he is doing it, but he does it as necessary. But this is a misconception. There is no need to do this. It must be remembered that the main thing is not some rituals, but prayer, alms and doing good deeds in memory of the deceased. Providing bread and water to the deceased is a custom that did not even take place during the time of the Orthodox imperial state.
They say that according to Orthodox canons it is impossible to place a photograph or sculpture of a buried person on a grave monument. Is this true and why? Indeed, on the graves, in particular, famous personalities, we always had either their sculptures or bas-reliefs with their image.
An Orthodox Christian, realizing the need to externally express the memory of the deceased, nevertheless inwardly tries to always remember our main and most important duty to the deceased. This is a prayer duty, as an offering of love, and as our most pleasing sacrifice to God in memory of a deceased person.
Having crossed the threshold of eternity, by and large, no coffin, no grave, no flowers on it, no long feasts with speeches are needed. All the attention of the soul in this terrible hour is focused only on those obstacles that block its path to the Kingdom of God. First of all, such obstacles are unrepentant, unconscious sins, unforgiven grievances, and uncorrected ways of life. After death, a person can no longer change anything and expects from us, from members of the Church of Christ and people close to us in earthly life who have the grace-filled opportunity to pray to God with filial prayer - he expects only the most frequent and warm prayerful sighing for us.
Therefore, on the burial mound only one thing is enough Orthodox cross, which is placed at the feet of the deceased, as if so that he would look at it as his own last hope. death on the cross Christ is the event from which the power of death over the human race is abolished by the Descent into hell of God Himself.
Coming to the grave, even the most famous person(especially if he is so dear to us) we should not be distracted by the memory of the appearance or merits of the deceased, looking at his photograph or sculpture, but our duty is to direct all the power of prayerful attention to the simple and most necessary words: Rest, Lord, to the soul of the deceased slave Yours.
Is it possible to take photographs or videotape during a funeral?
Answered by Hieromonk Dorofey (Baranov), cleric
Bishop's Church in honor of the Icon of the Mother of God "Quench My Sorrows"
Funerals, as a rule, take place in a concentrated, if not prayerful, then at least reverent atmosphere. Each of those present at the funeral comes into contact with the Mystery of death and thinks about many things, including, probably, about their exit from this life. At such holy moments, creating any inconvenience for people is not entirely right. Photography is always associated with some kind of invasion into the inner world, this is the power of this art. And the inner world of a person in the face of death, when he sees it and, as it were, remembers it, is a mysterious moment, which is indecent to violate. Of course, the exception is the funeral of famous personalities, when it is presented as news, as some kind of tribute to the information community. But still, in this case, we must remember about the relatives and friends of the deceased, because no matter how well-known a person he may be, there are always those for whom the deceased is just a close person, without regalia or awards.
Why are forks and knives prohibited at funerals?
Answered by Hieromonk Dorofey (Baranov), cleric
Bishop's Church in honor of the Icon of the Mother of God "Quench My Sorrows"
There is no such ban. If someone confuses you with such fabrications, you have every right to demand an explanation as to why this cannot be done. If the answer is reasonable, which is impossible in principle, then act at your discretion. But it’s better not to clutter your head with such trifles, but to think more about prayerfully commemorating the deceased.
Unfortunately, along with the general culture, the culture of funeral meals, which were originally a continuation of the funeral church service, also disappeared into oblivion. But, despite this, every effort must be made to ensure that the funeral dinner is accompanied by an atmosphere of reverence and silence, and not by the desire to observe the most obscure signs.
Is it possible to remember the dead with vodka?
This is something that we not only have to face, but also fight, and even prohibit this kind of commemoration as having nothing in common with Christianity. The deceased, first of all, need our prayers and good deeds performed in memory of him. The funeral service in the church testifies that the person died in peace with the Church, and the Church prays for him, for the forgiveness of his sins. And the funeral meal is a kind of good deed, which is aimed at those who live nearby. Usually people close and acquaintances were invited to it, as well as poor people, beggars, who, having attended the dinner, could offer a prayer for the soul of the deceased.
It is interesting to trace how the tradition of holding funeral meals arose. Previously, the funeral service took place after the liturgy, and the coffin with the deceased was in the church. People came in the morning on an empty stomach, and the burial procedure ended, as a rule, in the afternoon. Naturally, people needed natural reinforcement of strength. But the very idea of commemoration, the idea of prayer is completely incompatible with drinking alcohol, it is blasphemy. It is unfortunate when funeral meals turn into noisy feasts, by the end of which it becomes unclear why everyone has gathered.
Is it possible to bet on funeral table a plate of borscht, a glass of vodka and bread “for the path” of the deceased?
Answered by priest Anatoly Strakhov, rector
St. Nicholas Church at the Elshansky cemetery in Saratov
This tradition has nothing to do with Orthodoxy. According to Christian conviction, the earthly life of a person who belongs to the Church by baptism is the time when he can testify to his desire to be with God or, conversely, by his actions to show that he serves some other goals and convictions. A person realizes his freedom - to be with God or without Him. And after death this expression of will can no longer be made. However, by the grace of God, before the general judgment, the afterlife fate of a baptized person who has rested in peace with the Church can be changed through the prayer of the Church and the prayerful intercession of neighbors for his soul, coupled with alms.
When talking about the deceased, they often add “May the earth rest in peace”... Is it possible to do this?
Answered by priest Anatoly Strakhov, rector
St. Nicholas Church at the Elshansky cemetery in Saratov
God created man so that he would share with Him the joy of being in the Kingdom of Heaven. This is the main and final goal of human life. Therefore, the best wish for the deceased is the wish for eternal memory (not in the sense that we should remember him forever, but the eternal memory of God for his soul), and the wish for the Kingdom of Heaven, which is a kind of prayer and hope in the mercy of God.
Is it true that you can’t take a “countrywoman” home after the funeral service and you can’t take anything with you from the cemetery?
Answered by priest Anatoly Strakhov, rector
St. Nicholas Church at the Elshansky cemetery in Saratov
The question of the “countrywoman” reflects the pagan idea of people about the burial rite, which has nothing to do with church tradition and Christian attitude towards death. Very often, careless relatives first bury the deceased and only then remember that he was baptized. And when they come to the temple, instead of asking a person to perform the funeral service, they begin to demand “land.” We have to explain that the land is not the main thing in the funeral service and does not contain sacred meaning. It has only a symbolic meaning, it is a reminder of the words Holy Scripture that man is earth and will return to earth. This is not a pass to the Kingdom of Heaven. Therefore, whether or not to bring the soil home does not matter. If the funeral service is performed in a church, then there is no talk about this at all - the priest sprinkles the deceased with earth in a cross shape right in the church, and if he accompanies the coffin to the cemetery, then he pours earth into the grave with the words: “The Lord’s earth, and the fulfillment of it, the universe and all living things.” on her" (Ps. 23, 1).
Therefore, the question of a “countrywoman” arises among those who ask to perform the funeral service for their deceased relative in absentia. Previously, such a funeral service was performed in exceptional cases, if, for example, a person died in a war, and it was impossible to perform a funeral service in the church. By and large, funeral services in absentia are an abnormal and unacceptable phenomenon, performed by the Church only out of condescension towards modern unchurched society. These are the consequences of a godless time, when people, being numbered in the Church and calling themselves Christians, are Orthodox only by baptism, live outside the church, and naturally, after death they are also buried outside the church. But the priests still meet people halfway and perform the ritual, since they cannot be deprived Orthodox man prayers.
A collective memorial meal is the most important event that brings together friends, colleagues, loved ones and relatives of the deceased person in mourning. But how to behave at a wake? Is it possible to drink vodka or wine? If so, what amount of alcohol is considered acceptable? The answers to these questions will help you avoid awkward situations, caustic glances and gossip. Observing etiquette at a funeral dinner will allow you to sincerely demonstrate the unthinkability of loss, not to offend relatives, and also not to desecrate the memory of the deceased.
How to behave at a funeral
Modesty and austerity are key concepts in dress and makeup for a funeral meal.
Women should avoid frilly, bright and sexy outfits, as well as high-heeled shoes. Luxurious jewelry is also considered inappropriate, but this taboo does not apply to engagement rings. A classic suit, a shirt without patterns, a plain tie and patent leather shoes are traditional wardrobe items for men who go to the house of the deceased. Women attending a funeral dinner must have their hair gathered under a headscarf, but men must remove their hats before the funeral meal.
At funerals, peace and quiet must be observed. Laughter, funny stories, all kinds of fun and dance music are not allowed. Guests and relatives of the deceased at the funeral feast should behave as modestly as possible. Active gestures, arguments, discussions of news and talk turn this event into the most ordinary gathering of people, which destroys its sacred meaning.
It is necessary to prepare for the funeral speech in advance. This does not mean that text options should be taken from the Internet or talk about the deceased in poetry. In this case, the speech will look awkward and unnatural. Funeral words must be sincere and emotions real. It is best to remember what the deceased person did for you specifically and society as a whole, what he taught. Such a speech will be relevant and will cause an appropriate reaction from those present.
All memories of the deceased's deeds and behavior should demonstrate his positive qualities.
Discussing the lifetime “skeletons in the closet” of the deceased, as well as arguing about the fairness of the distribution of shares of the inheritance is strictly prohibited.
When communication over a funeral meal smoothly flows into small talk, it is recommended to end the event delicately. After the funeral dinner, guests once again express their sympathy to the relatives, but it is not customary to say goodbye when leaving the wake.
Is it possible to drink alcohol at a funeral?
According to Orthodoxy, alcohol is considered an unacceptable attribute of a funeral feast. The tradition of drinking a glass of vodka for the repose of the soul of the deceased appeared relatively recently, when the authorities subjected religion to all sorts of prohibitions and persecutions. But before the revolution, drinking alcohol at a funeral dinner was not encouraged. Remember, drinking alcohol in a cemetery or at a memorial service, as well as pouring vodka or any other alcohol-containing drink on a grave mound is strictly prohibited.
But what if alcohol is still present at the funeral dinner and how much can you drink? Naturally, in order not to become a victim of gossip, you can drink a little alcohol. Traditionally, people do not clink glasses at wakes and drink an even number of times. At the same time, the glasses are emptied to the bottom. The main condition is not to turn a funeral event into an ordinary drinking session, and since this happens quite often, it is best to refrain from drinking alcohol at a wake.
Why you can't drink alcohol at a funeral
- Alcohol symbolizes worldly fun and joy, and the purpose of the funeral dinner is to say a spiritual goodbye to the deceased and collectively pray for the repose of his soul.
- The Church condemns lovers of alcoholic beverages, since the likelihood of committing unforgivable sins while intoxicated increases many times over.
- Active drinking of alcoholic beverages at a funeral turns a funeral event into an entertaining gathering of friends and acquaintances, which destroys its sacred meaning.
- While drinking alcohol, guests forget about the real reason meetings, which demonstrate disrespect for the deceased person and desecrate the bright memory of the deceased.
- The absence of alcohol during the process of remembering the deceased allows guests and relatives to focus on the unthinkability of the loss, sincerely express their regret and soberly pray for the soul of the deceased.
Know Orthodox Church categorically denies any amount of alcohol at a wake, so drinking alcohol at a funeral dinner should be avoided.
What do they drink at funerals?
Among Catholics, as well as among Orthodox Christians, drinking alcohol in a cemetery and during a funeral meal is not encouraged. After the funeral, Christians of the Western rite go to church, where they light a memorial candle for the repose of the soul of the deceased and pray before the faces of the Saints.
Among the Jews, after a funeral, the relatives of the deceased begin seven days of mourning, Shiva. They do not prepare a funeral meal, since such chores distract from thoughts about the deceased. Neighbors and friends bring food to the deceased’s house. Meat and wine are prohibited, and funeral dinners, in the classical sense of the term, are not held. Alcohol is also not welcomed among Muslims. Alcohol is prohibited because Muslims consider it unclean.
At a funeral dinner, it is recommended to replace alcohol with compotes and jelly. Traditionally, compote is served immediately, but jelly is served after the meal. According to etiquette, each of the guests of the funeral feast should try both drinks. Remember, the soul of the deceased does not need a rich feast, much less alcohol-containing drinks. A sincere remembrance of the deceased will be a heartfelt prayer for the repose of the soul of a loved one.
Asked by: Igor
Answers:
Dear Igor!
There is such a purely worldly superstition - to organize a funeral feast. In the Orthodox understanding, although it is possible, it has no independent meaning. Previously, such a memorial meal was served after everyone prayed together for the deceased in church. A funeral service involves the prayer of relatives and close people for the repose of the deceased, so that through their prayers the Lord will have mercy on him and honor him with the Kingdom of Heaven. This is precisely the main meaning of the commemoration - to feed the poor, sick, etc., that is, the creation of alms in memory of the deceased. It is better to remember the deceased in Church, to stand and pray for his soul. You can also go to the cemetery.
You must abstain from wine, especially vodka, at the funeral meal! It is completely unacceptable to drink vodka at a wake - this insults the memory of the deceased. Wine is a symbol of earthly joy, and a wake is an occasion for intense prayer for a person who may suffer greatly in the afterlife. You should not drink alcohol, even if the deceased himself liked to drink. It is known that “drunken” wakes often turn into an ugly gathering where the deceased is simply forgotten. At the table you need to remember the deceased, his good qualities and deeds (hence the name - wake). This custom is a relic of paganism and should not be observed in Orthodox families. Remember, whoever remembers the dead with vodka prepares even more torment for the dead.
Since after death a person can no longer pray for himself, and we must do this for him. Therefore, the memorial service and home prayer about the deceased are very useful, as are good deeds done in their memory - alms or donations to the Church. But what is especially useful for them is commemoration at the Divine Liturgy. There were many apparitions of the dead and other events that confirmed how useful commemoration of the dead is. Many who died in repentance, but were unable to demonstrate it during their lifetime, were freed from torment and received peace. That is why prayers for the repose of the departed are constantly offered up in the Church.
Archbishop John (Maksimovich) speaks especially well about what we can do for the dead: “Anyone who wants to show their love for the dead and give them real help can best do this by praying for them and especially by commemorating them at the Liturgy, when the particles , taken for the living and the dead, are immersed in the Blood of the Lord with the words: “Wash, Lord, the sins of those who were remembered here with Your honest Blood, with the prayers of Your saints.”
We cannot do anything better or more for the departed than to pray for them, remembering them at the Liturgy. They always need this, especially in those forty days when the soul of the deceased follows the path to eternal settlements. The body then feels nothing: it does not see loved ones gathered, does not smell the smell of flowers, does not hear funeral speeches. But the soul feels the prayers offered for it, is grateful to those who offer them, and is spiritually close to them.
Oh, relatives and friends of the deceased! Do for them what is necessary and what is in your power, use your money not for external decoration of the coffin and grave, but to help those in need, in memory of your deceased loved ones, at the Church where prayers are offered for them. Be merciful to the deceased, take care of their souls. The same path lies before you, and how we will then want to be remembered in prayer! Let us ourselves be merciful to the departed.
Immediately take care of the sorokoust, that is, daily commemoration at the Liturgy for forty days. Usually in churches where services are performed daily, the deceased who were buried in this way are remembered for forty days or more. But if the funeral service was in a church where there are no daily services, the relatives themselves should take care and order the magpie there where there is a daily service.”
Based on the totality of the above, draw your own conclusions.
Let us take care of those who have gone to another world before us, in order to do for them everything that we can, remembering that the blessings of mercy are such that there will be mercy (Matthew 5:7).
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